A knife edge...

I'm doing well... ish. I have good days, very good days and, very occasionally, I have a few bad days as well. I feel as though a healthy, skinny me is just within my grasp. If I only make a few right choices now, I'll be able to reach out and hold 'skinny' in my hands - at last, and for good!

But at the moment I feel like I'm balancing precariously on a knife edge.  On one side of me lies a serene path of success, good health, fitness, well being, and a solid sense of self-worth. This is a path that, once I'm soundly on my way, I reckon I could follow for the rest of my life, without wavering. A simple path. A sustainable path. Watching my calories and working out. Easy, right?

On the other side, however, lays a path that scares me, and thrills me. This path is fasting, restricting, dropping weight FAST and NOW and seeing change. I do know restricting doesn't work for me - I end up binging BIG TIME. I don't mean falling off the diet waggon and eating a chocolate bar or two. I mean binging on 10,000+ calories at a time. A bag of doughnuts. And a box of cereal. And everything that I have in my cupboards and / or fridge. Going shopping to replace everything and buying bags of popcorn and crisps at the same time, eating those in the car before we even set off from the supermarket.  Then going to pizza hut, and getting a Chinese on the way home. In my experience, restricting always leads to binging. It may not be immediate, but if I go down this path, the binge will follow. I know this, and yet the idea of restricting and fasting still tempts me - It taunts me.

And then directly beneath me, should I fall off of this knife edge and miss either path entirely, lays a life of obesity, misery, failure; a still, sedentary lifestyle. No self-esteem. Worn and jaded, faded self-worth. That's not me. I refuse to allow this to become me. Obesity, an underactive thyroid and fat-induced-infertility will not overcome me. I will overcome these things and become a better, thinner person in the process.

I know which path I want to take... but sometimes I feel like I'm frozen to the spot. Afraid of failure. Afraid to move in case I lose my balance and fall in the wrong direction. I know now that I can lose weight by calorie counting and exercising. I've seen it happen over the last few weeks. But it's slow - agonisingly slow. I could keep this up and become slimmer, fitter, healthier - eventually. But as the weight starts to shift, I become impatient. I want to be thinner - not later - now. I want to see the number on the scales fall daily  - not ticking over, at a rate of maybe a lb a week.

I know that the sort of change I'm dreaming of is not sustainable, and I will end up binging, and getting fatter than ever, and having to start again. I must keep this in mind because today I found myself perusing 'ProAna' blogs. I didn't go looking for them. And it's not like I want the disorder back. I stumbled upon them. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. You don't want to look, but you can't tear your eyes away either.

I do know the reality of anorexia / bulimia. I overcame it once and I'll be damned if I have to do it again. I do remember the binging, purging, self-hatred... the constant sense of failure, of not quite being thin enough... the obsession, the constant thinking about food, and weight, and portion sizes and weighing out foods. The consumption - I'm not meaning consuming foods, but being consumed by a force that will bind you in its grip and not let you go.

But it's like my mind has glamorised the disorder somewhere along the way - Instead of looking back and seeing clearly how I was controlled by my disordered way of eating and my distorted self-image, I look back and I remember the feeling of success after getting through a week of not eating. The feeling of power and control when the number on the scales fell... And that little voice in the back of my mind - the devil on my shoulder if you like - whispers, "If you just restrict for one week, you could loose half a stone, take it from there... It's a push in the right direction, get a bulk out the way and then go back to calorie counting. Exert some control. Show yourself you're in charge... Show yourself how much willpower you can have. You'll feel better when you can see how much smaller you're getting." It's a slippery slope.

I can see that if I carry on as I have been, I could change for life. I could be fit, and healthy - and thin! I could be a runner, I could have another baby, I could learn how to never get fat like this again. I could learn how to enjoy foods AND lose weight. You can actually eat quite a lot in a day with 1200 calories, and I know I'll lose weight, too... But I think that's the part my mind struggles with. Is this too easy? Could I be doing more? Could I be getting thinner, quicker?

No. I turn my face away from disordered eating. I think about how SICK I will feel with myself when I try to fast and then end up binging on a week's worth of food in one sitting. I choose control - real control. I choose a steady success and consistent change. I chose slowly moving on, 1200 calories, one day at a time. And one step at a time, I will run to a healthier me.

I face you, temptation, and I turn away again. You are not good for me. That voice that says, "Just one week of fasting" is just as evil as the one that says, "Start your diet again tomorrow". Both would see me fail in this. And I will not be beaten by the devil on my shoulder. I'm stronger than that.

I did it!

I've been attempting the 'NHS Couch to 5k' for 2 weeks now... Today, I finally managed to complete the Week 1 podcast. And it felt easy! I could have kept going - I wanted to keep going! I don't know if that's the thyroxine working its magic, or my persitence and determination finally improving my stamina. Either way, I feel so much fitter now than when I first started out.

My diet is going well. I'm easily sticking below 1600 calories every day. And best of all, I feel good about myself. I've wanted to change for so long now and I'm finally doing it - I'm actually doing it!

So, what do we reckon? Time for progress photos? I think so!

Before:



Now:



Before:



Now:



Before:



Now:



Before:



Now:



I think there is a slight visible difference, but even if I can't see it yet, I feel so much healthier - and so much better about myself! When I started Couch to 5k, only 2 weeks ago, I could barely get through the warm up walk. Today I was able to complete the week 1 podcast, and could have gone on longer! I'm excited to get out and go for my run - I don't feel like I'm forcing myself anymore. And generally, I have so much energy - the horrible fatique that I've been living with for the last year or two is surely fading away...

The scales are testifying my hard work and success as well:

Starting weight:



Weight at last weigh in:



I need to weigh in again, soon. I'll also take my measurements before my next blog entry here and see if there's been any change in the inches!

I feel 100% determined to see this through, and I can't wait to see where I am this time next year.

MyFitnesPal

If anybody is interested in my food diary as I lose weight, here's the link to my MFP account, where I input all of my food and exercise: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/18to8FatToThin

I've had a few stressful days, which have been bad for my diet. But that said I've been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and potentially polycystic ovarian syndrome (waiting for more tests to confirm). This is a massive motivating factor for weight loss as I'd love to have another baby, and I don't think I can until I shed a good 20lbs at least.

PCOS aside, it would be most ideal to lose the extra weight before concieving again in any case. So that's my plan. If you're a member on myfitness pal, feel free to friend me - My username is 18to8FatToThin. Hope to see you over there.

Ah crap...

I completely fecked up my diet today. Massive binge. I was doing so well as well! I felt really motivated this morning and when I weighed in this afternoon I discovered that I had lost 5lbs! I don't know what went wrong... I don't even know why I did it. I wasn't even hungry. I'm so angry with myself!

But I'm trying not to let it get the better of me. I just need to get back on track now and make sure it doesn't happen every day!

I'm trying to keep my motivating quotes at the front of my mind...

Yesterday you said
'tomorrow'.

Just do it.

and remember that doughnuts and junk food will still be there when I'm skinny - if I want it!

Running, running, running...

I'm plowing ahead with the couch to 5K. Running.

Running is hard. If I don't have the right attitude I can see myself feeling frustrated and defeated, so I'm trying hard to keep the positive mental attitude. The thing with running is, and I know this from experience, if you stick at it your fitness very quickly improves.

For the last 2 years I've lived a very sedentary lifestyle. I've also put a lot of weight on. I am really unfit right now. Today was my 3rd run in 5 days, using the NHS couch to 5K podcast. On my first run I managed three 60 second runs (just about) with two reps of 90 second walks between and I felt ILL afterwards. My vision was blurred, my head was pounding, I felt sick and dizzy and faint. And TOTALLY defeated.

Still I got out again the next day and managed 2 reps with a lot less effort in terms of cardio and lung-exhaustion. I felt like I could have gone on but unfortunately my legs hurt badly and I had to come home and stretch it out to prevent injury.

I went out again today, after a two day break, and managed 6 reps of runs and 5 walks between. I felt like I hit that perfect balance between pushing myself and sitting in my comfort zone. I wasn't totally exhausted.

I'm confident that either tomorrow or the next day i'll be able to complete the week 1 track. I'll count that as the start of week 1 and I'll move onto week 2 after 7 days of completing the first track. I know that it is key to work within my own limits but I want to push myself enough that I'm making progress and improving my fitness. So far I think I'm managing this well.

The Dreaded Before Photos

In my Running Gear:











And some more 'honest' shots:









Let's hope that a year from now it's a very different image!

Measuring up

Here's how I measure up on day 1:

Upper arms: 14inches

Bust: 42inches

Waist: 48inches

Love Handles: 52inches

Hips: 48inches

Thighs: 29inches

Weight: 14stone 5lbs or a total 201lbs!

Gosh! It's even worse when you write it down. 'Before' photos to follow shortly...

A Public Place

The purpose of this blog is to publish my fatty photos, in a totally honest - totally public - way. I hope this will give me the motivation to slim down and tone up!

Presently I am starting out on couch to 5k, weight training and a lower calorie diet in what I wish was my first attempt to lose weight.

After warming up appropriately with stretches and gentle exercises, I went on my first run today using the NHS podcast couch to 5k, which is intended for slobbish couch potatoes like myself. I felt totally exhausted by the end of the 5 minute 'warm up' walk, with burning lungs and blurred vision. Who knew that I was THAT unfit!? I managed 3 reps of 60 second jog followed by 90 second power walk, before I waddled home feeling sore, wobbly and totally defeated. Memories of an obese 15 year old me passing out after level 2 of the bleep test came flooding back...

Still, I am determined not to be beaten. I will try again tomorrow.

Fatty photos to follow.............................................................................................................................